Managing Discouragement

Discouragement happens to all of us from time to time. Learning how to help yourself and others through discouraging feelings is a necessity to be an Effective Leader. In fact, the better you get at it, the better leader you will become. There is a management process developed years ago that is simple and very effective. I have used it for years, and I’m still amazed at how effective it is. It’s called “The Victim Triangle”. The following is a description of the system model and how to use it.

There is a dysfunctional, psychological game that many of us learn to play early in our maturation process. We learn to use it to manage our feelings of discouragement. When we are discouraged, we learn to play a game called “The Victim Triangle”. It begins with a person subconsciously playing a Victim role in an effort to pull someone else into the game. The ultimate purpose of the game is to make the Victim “feel” better.

Here is how it works:We approach someone with a discussion of our discouragement, and we translate our communication from the perspective of a Victim. As an example, “I don’t know what to do! I think I may just quit! I’m so frustrated! I’m doing everything I can! Maybe this is not for me? I’m ‘bustin’ my rear end out here”! These are some examples I have heard. This is the beginning of the game, the positioning of the Victim at the entry point of the triangle, position #1. The game cannot begin unless someone steps into the game in an effort to help, and the game begins.

The Victim, position #1, is in place, and now the Rescuer, position #2, is in place. It takes two people to play this game. The Rescuer is genuinely trying to help, but he or she is now in the game and cannot get out until the Victim plays all positions.

The game now proceeds by the Victim moving to the Persecutor position #3. Suddenly, the Rescuer realizes that the Victim is now persecuting them for trying to help. This leaves the Rescuer in a no-win position. The Victim persecutes the Rescuer until the Victim feels confident that they can now move to the Rescuer position and save the original Rescuer from the game. This is a complex, psychological game that can take hours. The Victim comes out of the game as a pretending winner and “feels” better. The reality is that no one wins this game. The Victim’s good feelings are superficial and only last a short time. The Victim then looks for another Rescuer to play the game again. An Effective Leader must learn how to deal with this all too familiar game.

The answer for the leader is to never enter the game. When you feel that someone is enticing you into this game, simply learn to use this statement: “What do you think you should do about this”? Or maybe, “What do you think would be a good choice for you right now”? By simply asking one of these questions, you place the Victim firmly in their own Rescuer position, and you, as The Effective Leader, avoid entering the game. Psychologically, we cannot make someone feel better. A person’s feelings are a product of his or her own reactive thinking processes. No matter how much we care for the person, they must learn how to manage their feelings and solve their own problems. The best way to help someone with discouragement is by helping them learn to think proactively about what they can do with their situation. The Perspective Analysis found in the Green Tracking section of The Achievement Planner is a good tool to help with this.

A person who has fallen into the habit of being negatively affected by their feelings can learn how to proactively solve their own problems. An Effective Leader can help by getting them to proactively deal with what they, personally, can do about their situation. When a person learns to proactively plan for realistic, personal solutions, he or she can learn to change their perspective from a reactive, Victim role to a proactive, problem-solving role. They can then take control of their lives without playing the Victim Triangle game with others. This can be the single most important learning experience of one’s life, and you, as an Effective Leader, have helped them in their progressive journey of growing and becoming a leader themselves.

Until next time, may God Bless!

David Byrd